Currently The Resistance By Muse see related

My laptop is officially a piece of crap.  I just sent it out to be repaired about 2 1/2 months ago, and it's already back to it's old tricks.  Apparently, this particular model of HP laptops had some major glitch with the network card overheating and burning up the wireless card and, eventually, the motherboard.  I'm now out of my service plan time, so I don't know if they have a warranty over their repairs or not.  I don't know that I'm even going to bother, b/c it's smack dab in the middle of the semester, and I need my laptop.  Right now, I've got a Netgear wireless USB in, and until the motherboard fries enough where the laptop won't turn on and off anymore, it'll get me through.  I've already been looking at new laptops, and unfortunately, the specific standards I have regarding my new machine lands me either a $1200 price tag or in the HP line again.  I'm kind of thinking it defeats the purpose if I continue to buy computers from a company who denies that they made some horrible error when developing the model I currently have.  There are thousands and thousands of people on the internet who have had the exact same issue as me, so I'm thinking that it isn't some fluke thing.  What I absolutely cannot understand in my search for the next One is...why the hell do you need a number pad on your friggin' laptop?  Are accountants the only ones who buy these things?  I do a fair amount of numerical typing myself, creating pricing lists for the menu and such for work, and I'm perfectly ok with the number line across the top.  Even if I had the number pad, I probably wouldn't use it.  And why does everything have an Intel Centrino processor?  If I wanted that crappy processor, I could have gotten it slightly over 2 years ago, when I bought this laptop.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that I somewhat bombed my midterm last night.  It was multiple choice, but one of those where it's so confusing that I would have prefered an essay test.  I'm really going to have to step it up a notch if I want to continue my 'A' streak.

Last week, we finally got the dreaded phone call from the accountant at work.  He pretty much told us that we need to figure out what we're doing by the end of the year.  As in, our shareholder equity is negative, and that's not going to look so good to the IRS.  And that if we want to continue being in business, we'd better start making some money, and soon.  It was all I could do not to start crying in his office.  I asked him if now is the time to max out all our available funds (line of credit and such) and try to catch everything up and see if we can make some progress that way.  He wouldn't give me a straight answer.  Mom is in complete denial, believing that things are going to look much better after the 3rd quarter stuff gets done.  I don't know if I want to step in and give it everything I've got, or if I want to lock the doors and walk away.  I can't help but feel like I've been a complete failure and that I've run this business, that my grandfather created from nothing, into the ground.  Of course, Mom was quick to place the blame on Grampa for his decisions to not spend money on repairs and stuff when he was alive.  Certainly, we did get screwed by some of the large scale issues we have had over the last few years, but to say that he put us in this position kind of pissed me off.

We also attended a public hearing because the small town the restaurant is "in" is trying to officially annex us into the town.  It's not that I don't want to be part of the town, although I am slightly leary because of the possibility of a city-wide smoking ban.  Mostly, I'm opposed to the 69% increase in property taxes that will accompany this annexation, with absolutely no new benefits to us.  We already have city water and sewage.  The only thing that we'd be offically "gaining" is police patrols.  Apparently, the patrolling they currently do is more of a "favor" to the county sheriffs.  It pretty much sounded like a thinly veiled threat that they don't HAVE to be available, unless there is a dire emergency.  While they do come out and break up fights and that kind of thing, they have managed to let identity theft and a break-in with a confessed perpetrator go unpunished, so I'm not sure they've really been doing what was expected of them anyway.

Meanwhile, I've been feeling increasingly isolated and alone.  I am going out with a friend today, so hopefully that will help.  When I tell Chris that I'm lonely, he pretty much just responds with "Don't be lonely."  I don't know if he doesn't know what else to say or if he just wishes I would shut up.  I got home about an hour and a half early last night after my midterm, and I think we actually spend less time together than we normally do when I don't get home until 9.  I know he was working on a computer.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm the bottom thing on his priority list.  Unfortunately, most of the issue is that I'm the only one who believes there is an issue.  So what does that mean?  Is it all in my head, or does he not even pay enough attention to see what's going on?  Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is West.  I'm not even sure that it's my love for him, although I do love him a ton, but maybe that it's more my desire for him to have a good, normal life.  And there starts to be a lack of normalcy when your mom jumps off a bridge or drinks a quart of bleach.  Even though in most cases I don't think people care one way or the other if I'm around, I really believe that West is better off with me.  I don't think his daddy is ready to make the commitment to put his life on hold and put the baby first.  So, for now, I have to be here to take care of things.  Whether I want to be the one in charge or not.

I had a whole list of things in my head that I was going to write about.  I was planning out each part of my entry when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep last night, but now I can't remember them at all.  I guess I probably dealt with the things I really needed to say already, and everything else must have been unimportant in comparison.

I've been really on edge lately.  I don't know if it's something different I'm doing or if I'm just having an unstable time.  I've had several nights over the last few weeks where I've been wide awake long after everyone else is asleep, no matter how tired I am.  I know that I'm thinking about stuff, but I've always been one to obsess about things at bedtime.  This is different.  This is counting to over 300 sheep and still not boring myself to sleep.  Maybe I just have more stuff to worry about now, so it's weighing on my mind more.  In the morning, I almost always have this uneasy feeling, like maybe something bad is going to happen today.  Nothing especially awful has happened (yet) so I don't know if it's all building up to some catostrophic event or if I just need to relax more.

I have to work Friday and Saturday night this week.  It absolutely shouldn't be a big deal, I mean, I haven't had to do both shifts for months.  But I feel almost sick in anticipation.  I don't want to be there, I don't want to work with the people that are on, I don't want to be away from my family.  I know it isn't going to be that bad.  I work every Friday, just usually lunch, and I always live through it.  Some days I just wish I could not think about the place ever again.

I also have to prepare for our group presentation in class next week.  It's a very simple thing, we have to do 2 interviews based on 5-7 questions that we create and write a 1 page paper comparing the results.  Nothing big at all.  However, getting anyone in my group to actually communicate, even just to agree on the questions that I completely made up on my own with absolutely no input from anyone else, is like pulling teeth.  We also have summaries or analysis of articles due every week.  This week is our analysis week.  It's a 3 page paper, so I sent nearly 2 1/2 pages of it to the person who was putting together the final draft.  Pretty much, he took one paper (from the person who has the least writing ability), copied and pasted some of the 4th member's notes, and called it a final draft.  Not only is it not of grad school quality, but he just completely ignored everything I had written.  I understand that in a collaborative effort things are going to be omitted, I'm not one to get my feelings hurt over something like that.  But not even 1 sentence?  Why did I spend a couple of hours working on this thing?  Plus, I sent it to him on Thursday, because he said that he needed everything so he could write the final paper on Sunday.  The other 2 sent their stuff ON Sunday, after he should have been working on it.  I almost want to call him on it.  Just ask if my thoughts weren't good enough.  I even put it in the actual format of the paper, just in case he wanted to use it as a framework for the final draft.  I know that it probably seems so petty that it upset me that much, but it is total crap as far as I'm concerned.

West has 4 teeth now.  The 2 middle tops and bottoms.  And they're all coming it at different rates, so they're all different lengths.  He looks so freaking goofy.  But he also looks like he's almost a toddler.  I can't believe that my baby is almost done being a baby.  He has his 9 month checkup next week, where I'm probably going to find out that he's outgrown his infant carseat.  I'm also dreading it because I know the topic of the flu and H1N1 shots are going to come up.  I don't care what anyone says about the flu shot and the state of the virus.  All I know is that I was completely fine last year, a flu shot was sprung upon me b/c I was preggo, and the next day I woke up super sick and was that way for a couple of weeks.  Then a couple of weeks later, I got sick again.  I tend to get sinus issues now and then, but I generally manage to avoid the major ickies.  So, I'm completely uncool with the flu shot.  I've been doing a bunch of reading about the H1N1 shot, and the fact that they're doing all this tracking about the side effects and heart attack and miscarriage rates related to the shot makes me want to avoid it like a nest of angry yellowjackets.  I don't want to be the guinea pig in their little experiment.  Certainly, I don't want myself or my son to get sick, who does?  But I don't think I can justify the risks of getting vaccinated at this point.  It's good to get the immune system going anyway.

I watch Sprout all day, since it's kid-friendly programming.  And I freaking hate Zaboomafoo, or however you spell it.  These people are totally cracked out, and shouldn't be handling animals.  Plus, I can tell when it's the puppet versus the real lemur.  I'm not a retard.  Sprout is completely dumb though, they could be raking in the dough by selling stuffed toys of their characters, but they have absolutely no marketing right now.  I've been to forums where dozens of people where begging them to make toys, offering anywhere from $50-$100.  I'm really hoping that they do make them soon, I would totally buy them for West.

I think that's probably it for now.  Enough whining, right?!?

I have a lot of respect for my mom, because she was single the first 3 or so years of my life.  She did have an unbelieveable amount of support from my grandparents, but at the end of the day, when she was at home, she was a single mother.  I know how I feel trying to take care of West by myself most of the time, and I can only imagine what it must have been like for her.  When I talk to her and tell her how I feel, she says that it was probably easier for her, because she didn't have the expectation that there was going to be someone else to help care for the baby.  I must have had a completely false idea of what life was going to be like.

West seems to have his first cold.  He was sneezing and creating all sorts of nose magic yesterday.  No fever or anything, so at this point I don't think there's much to do for it except let it run its course.  I'm hoping that he'll wake up completely better today, but that would be some pretty fast recovery time.  He does seem to be working on a top tooth right now, so it's possible that the whole thing is related to that.  Everyone seems to have some old wives' tale about teething and sinus issues or watery eyes or whatnot.

I started back to school this semester.  As usual, I'm only taking one class.  For once, I'm really glad about that because the reading load for this class is insane.  It appears to be about 70-100 pages of journal articles per week and then either a summary or analysis of an article to be turned in by your group.  The amount of pages isn't the killer, it's the sheer dryness of the articles we are reading.  There is so much statistical analysis that my mind starts wandering while I'm in the middle of reading, so I have to keep going back and rereading parts over and over.  I'm sure it's valuable to see some real research from the field, but it's also intimidating because it makes me worry that my final research project is supposed to look like that.

I've also been spending my free time dabbling in some ex-Mormon forums, trying to understand some things about the church.  I've been inactive for about 8 years now, for a multitude of reasons.  Now that I have a son, I've been trying to decide if I should be going back to church, so he can at least learn the fundimentals of christianity and hopefully get some reasonable morals instilled in him.  It is amazing to me that there are so many other people out there who have similar issues with some aspects of "the gospel".  There are so many issues that I see now that I didn't even notice while growing up.  I'm not sure that I want to bring my family back into that, but I do miss the fellowship I had when I was attending.  I've been thinking about it so much lately, and I honestly think the only reason I stayed with it as long as I did was because of the social aspects.  Of course, I also read the stories about these people trying to take their names off the church lists because they are forever contacted by visiting teachers and missionaries.  It kind of makes me feel bad, because after I left I had one home teacher appointment where the men never showed up and never called me again, and several calls for the church clean-up crew.  No one else ever cared that I was gone.  The only thing I can think is that I was so off-putting with my questions and clothing choices that they were actually happy that I had left.  I've regained contact with a couple of my old friends through Facebook, but that's about the extent of it.

The house is somewhat done.  We've got new windows and siding, except for two of the front windows that came in sized wrong.  I was expecting them either yesterday or today, so I'm assuming that it's going to be next week before it gets done.  No matter, I haven't paid the other half yet, so they can take their sweet time.  Other than the windows, we have to do some painting around the front door and at the bottom all the way around where the siding ends.  Since the weather looks a little bit less wet this weekend, I'm hoping to get it finished up.  I started working on the door last night, and it looked terrible.  I don't know what it's going to take to fix that whole mess.  It would probably help if I wasn't trying to do it by myself on a ladder that is too short (since the contractors accidentally took our real ladder, and are bringing it back when they come to do the other windows).  If it ever gets finished, I'll try to put some before and after pics up.

I suppose I should see about getting my son up and about, since it's work day.  Hopefully (?!?) there is work being done to replace our exhaust fan (over 6 months from when we were broken into and the damage occured).  I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a fiasco, because I can't really run without a fan to draw the smoke out of the kitchen.  If it's not one thing, it's certainly another.

Weston turned 6 months yesterday.  I can't believe that it's been half a year already that he's been in our lives.  It doesn't seem all that long ago that my life was totally different.  I'm such a different person now than I was then.  In some ways I've changed so much for the better, taking more responsibility for my home and its cleanliness, preparing meals, and all the rest of the domesticated crap that comes along with actually being home once in a while.  In many other ways, I feel like a shell of the person I was before.  I don't have the opportunity to do the things I used to enjoy doing.  It's an ordeal to escape the house long enough to even get my hair cut.  I dread going shopping, because it's a hassle to haul the stroller around and plan shopping around feeding times.  I cancelled my Cosmo subscription because I don't even have time to read a magazine.  I love my son in a way I didn't know I was capable of, and I would never trade him for anything.  I just didn't understand the magnitutde of the changes that were coming, and I never could have prepared myself enough.

Last Tuesday was our 7th wedding anniversary.  We had a very nice dinner at Eddie Merlot's.  I didn't feel the same level of romanticism about this anniversary as I have for each previous one.  I don't know if it's the exhaustion, the hassle associated with having a date night, or a bad omen of things to come.  Sometimes I'm not sure that my heart is in my marriage the way it once was.  I suppose that the resentment of all the little things wears you down when you have a baby to take care of.  Sure, I still get hurt and disappointed and still smile and laugh, but it isn't the same as it used to be.  It's just too much effort sometimes.  After this long, it's clear that things aren't going to change.

I'm still dreaming of having our windows and siding replaced sometime soon.  Chris' brother is supposed to be coming up in about 6 weeks or so to do the work.  I'm not sure that he really wants to, but feels obligated since we're family.  Chris and I discussed at least having the windows professionally done, to save his brother time and energy, but little has come from that.  This is one of those situations where I just want to stab myself in the face for my anxiety.  I should just call several places and make arrangements for them to come out and give me quotes.  However, I would rather lick toilets than call these places and I am terrified to have strange people in the house when Chris isn't home.  I had hoped that he would make these arrangements, but it's becoming fairly obvious that it just won't get done.  Our shitty house windows will be very similar to the crack in my windshield.  They are there and clearly suck, but Chris doesn't have the ambition to take care of it, and I'm too afraid to take care of it, so things will never get better.

Other than those major projects, I have some smaller plans that I would like to work on sometime soon.  I want to put some shelves up around the house to display some smaller things that need to find a higher place to live before West gets mobile.  I'm also toying with the idea of painting our kitchen cabinets.  The previous owners painted them all white, and they look dumb.  I'd love to sand them all down and stain them, but there's no way to know if the stain will hold until I try it.  I may just paint them black.  Apparently that's all the new rage right now.  Black happens to be my fave color and would require much less work on my part.  Nonetheless, it is ridiculously hard to get even the most basic project done when I'm trying to take care of the baby at the same time.

Work is...well...just as bad as usual.  I'm starting to be panicky about my menus.  One of the teenage girls working for us offered to create and print our new menus for a school project.  Unfortunately, school let out for the summer before the job was complete, and there have been tons of issues with all the plans she's made, and well, I'm menu-less.  Next week, minimum wage goes up again.  This means that I have to give every single employee a raise (except for mom and myself, of course).  I really need to make some money in order to pull that off.  Not to mention, that the restaurant property is about to be forcibly annexed into the town, most likely putting our taxes through the roof.  I have never felt the level of dispair about my business as I have over the last few weeks.  It's like I'm watching a wreck about to transpire, but I don't have the ability to stop it from happening.  At this point, I'm ready to lie down in the proverbial road and let the damn car run over me.

Other than that, it's all little things.  Dante had a great vet appointment.  Turns out he's gained a full pound and his heart is pretty awesome considering how non-functional it is.  West had a good 6-month checkup.  He's fairly normal, growing appropriately, and did very well with shots this time around.  He is making a valiant effort to crawl, but just can't get the forward thing.  He mostly just scoots backwards.  He also rolls very well now, so it's just a matter of time before he's all over the place.  Chris' mother has been working on our yard, and it looks better.  At least there aren't vines growing up the front anymore, and after 2 bouts of poison ivy, I think the front is pretty clear of that as well.  It's been too dry to plant so far, plus we don't want to put a bunch out there if we're going to have our windows and siding done.  The pool is still crystal clear and awesome.  Unfortunately, it hasn't been hot enough to swim much lately.  80 degrees sounds pretty warm, but not for a pool.  I'm sure it'll get ridiculously hot soon enough.  We got the garage all cleaned out (mouse nests and all) and built a work bench over the weekend.  It's much nicer to use the saw in there instead of in my living room like we had previously.

I suppose I should go entertain my son.  He's been rolling around on the floor and laughing at the kitties.  He is such a funny little guy sometimes.

Currently Swoon By Silversun Pickups see related

Since nobody actually reads these things anymore, I guess I can talk about whatever I want.  I used to feel like I had to self monitor to some extent, but now it doesn't really matter.

First, the nitty gritty whiny stuff...  I feel completely unsexy.  No, really, I feel completely disgusting.  Repulsive even.  I am 15lbs below my prepreggo weight, but it doesn't really show.  I have a big floppy pouch under my belly button as a souvenier from my c-section.  The stretch marks from the pregnancy are fading, but they're still there.  Many days I don't feel like I have the extra time to spend in the shower to even shave my legs.  My rosacea has flared up and is probably the worst it has ever been.  Even when I cake on make-up, people (including family members) ask if I "got some sun" or what's wrong with my face.  I'm breaking out worse than I did when I was 15.  Part of me desperately wants to see a dermatologist, but the last time I went to one, I waited for over an hour only to be told that I was too young to have rosacea and have the dr give me a sample of some medication that he said probably wouldn't work (and it didn't).  My hair is falling out.  My shirt is constantly covered in long hairs that people are always kind enough to pluck off for me.  I've read that it's a common postpartum thing.  I've also read that it's a symptom of hypothyroidism.  And as of my last blood test, my thyroid meds aren't strong enough anymore, but they didn't up my dose or anything.  Oh, and to top everything off, I managed to crack my left big toenail all the way across, so I am pretty much destined to wear a bandaid on it to keep it from entirely ripping off.  It should only take about 6-8 months for it to grow out past that point.  If it broke off where it is cracked, there's a good possibility that it would get ingrown again, which is like my worst nightmare.  Just figures, since I picked up a bunch of new flip-flops.

I often feel incredibly lonely.  I'm not sure that it's as bad as it was before the baby, because at least now I have some form of companionship and stuff to do to keep my mind off things.  But I also feel like my relationship with Chris has changed drastically.  I know that I get resentful, because I feel like he should be helping more.  Nevermind that he works all day to make money to support us.  I mean, holy shit, I think I've lent more money to the restaurant that I've made so far this year.  That isn't really my money to be lending.  And so, I've started to feel bad about buying things for myself, because I know that I'm not contributing to the income.  I went shopping a few weekends ago, and picked up a few things, but it still made me feel terrible, like I was wasting his money.  I can't wait until I have to pay for my fall class, because me going to school is always a terrible waste of money, since I obviously don't have the courage to seek a career outside of the restaurant.

I've been cleaning the house like crazy and working on some bigger projects.  We painted the downstairs living room, broke out all the tile that we had laid poorly, and replaced it with laminate.  The room looks much better.  I think the cat smell is maybe a dull roar now too, rather than smothering.  Of course, I know that cleaning is usually a result of depression for me.  It helps to cheer me up, because I can see the progression of things and (usually) feel good about the end result.  I feel a teenie bit less ashamed of my home right now.  Unfortunately, usually the cats are there to mess things back up for me.

My dog got mauled.  She has been living with my aunt since I was in the hospital delivering West.  We were horrible dog parents, and my aunt has had the patience to train her.  Plus, there was another dog to play with so she wouldn't be lonely.  Yesterday, it seems that the dogs got to playing too rough, and my aunt's dog chewed mine up pretty well.  She is all bandaged up and has some pretty strong meds, but she'll likely be ok.  But now I wonder if I should bring the dog back home to our house.  I mean, I'm home much more now, so it wouldn't be like it was before.  She's also trained much better, even lets you know when she needs to go out.  But she's also a very needy dog, always wanting to sit in your lap and such, and now she's all traumatized and clingy from being attacked.  I just don't know what to do about that situation at all.  I don't want to pull her away from my aunt, since she's invested so much in her.  But I don't want her to be a burden and stressor for my aunt either.  Now she feels that she has to keep the dogs separated when she isn't home to prevent another incedent.  That's just more stress on her.  I have no clue what to do about this situation.  None at all.

I keep thinking about other houses.  I know we're doing work to this one.  It's just so small in many places.  We could get a house that's laid out much better.  But what's the point in getting a new house when my cats are jerks?  And can we really afford it?  If Chris was to lose his job, even if I took back hours and made what I was making before, it would take 2 whole paychecks to make the mortgage here.  A new house would be even more.  I'm sure it's just not a good idea.  (It would be nice to get away from these neighbors though.  I keep debating calling animal control on them because their son beats one of their dogs.  It's one of those situations where I know they are wrong, but I also don't want to deal with their retaliation, since it will be fairly obvious that I called.)  When we were dating, Chris used to talk about us building a dream house together.  I guess he didn't realize that he was going to be doing the majority of financial contribution to the household.

I worry constantly about whether I'm a good mother.  West is the happiest little guy, he smiles and laughs all the time.  I don't what to mess up and change that somehow.  I even asked my mom if I was like that, wondering what happened that I feel so unhappy sometimes.  She said that I never laughed like him.  That's good, because that means that my personality is just that much different.  But I don't want my Debbie Downer attitude to ruin the sweet little boy that I have.  I want him to find happiness with his life.  I want to tell him that he can be or do whatever he wants when he grows up, because I feel like he could.  But I don't want to be the awful liar that tells him that, only to have him fail and get stuck in some shell of the life he could have had.  In the meantime, I don't know if I'm teaching him enough, or if I'm springing too much on him.  Do I spend enough time playing with him or should he have more independent time to learn how to entertain himself?  Is he getting enough social interaction?  Is he spending too much time out of the house?  Is he coming in contact with too many germs?  There's just so much, and I don't know if I'm doing any of it right.  I mean, I must be doing some of it right, since he's still alive and healthy looking.  But I don't have anyone to go to for reassurance.  My mom thinks I'm semi-nutso and blames the internet for having too much information and making me worry.  Chris doesn't care about much of anything and underreacts to every situation imaginable, except for the instances where he completely freaks out about a non-issue.  Other than that, there aren't very many people with both child-rearing experience and sanity in my life.  And God knows that I don't run around telling everyone I see that I'm in a constant state of self doubt.

I know that every problem pretty much has the same solution - stop being a freaking psychopath.  Well, that and do some sit-ups.  It's just so hard, if not impossible, to change the person you are deep down.  And really, I'm not riduculously unhappy all the time or anything.  I'm just finding it harder and harder to get past the down times.  I don't understand why I'm constantly wracked with shame and guilt.  I remember stupid things I've done or said in the past, and will mull them over until I feel sick to my stomach.  I mean, something that happened when I was 6 can make me want to cry with embarrassment.  Does this all come from being emotionally abused?  I don't recall ever feeling that worthless, mostly just angry at the way I was treated or the situation I was in.  How did that evolve into constant uncertainty?  And honestly, since I do feel this way, why can't someone just give me a little reassurance once in a while?

I need to know that I'm on the right path.  I want to make the right decisions.  I just need to know that I'm not letting anybody down.  I wish I could be better.